I turn into a hot mess...

I have PTSD.... there I said it. Finally after 23 years of dealing with it I have said it out loud. My close friends have known in confidence but I'm ready to face it and rise above it.  If you don't know much about PTSD let me enlighten you. Basically, when triggered,  it takes a perfectly normal silly girl and turns her into a hot mess.  Anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia and other physical/physiological reactions to an irrational fear. Not fun, Not fun at all.  

Here is my journey....... June 28 1992 at 4:57 a.m. my world came crashing down around me.... literally. Some 3 hours later it flattened me.   A HUGE earthquake...7.3....  hit at 4:57 a.m. in the town of Landers, CA. We were living out in the boondocks running a summer camp up in the mountains near Big Bear Lake. Luckily our campers and staff had yet to arrive but my family were all sleeping soundly in our beds... I had 2 little boys, an almost 5 year old & an 18 month old. Now, Landers wasn't that close to us but it shook us up pretty good and toppled things in the house. It was a little scary but I was fine.... started cleaning things up and watching the news.  At 8:05 a.m. another quake... 6.7... hit hard. We were all in the living room watching the news except for my littlest sonshine... he was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor playing.  As I ran back into the kitchen... as the rest went outside... I saw dishes falling out of the cupboards landing all around my little boy. I swooped him up and ran back thru a hallway to get outside, hardly able to because of the violent shaking. (Cal tech came up a few days later to place equipment on our camp because they deemed it the epicenter of the Big Bear Quake) The ground didn't stop trembling for 3 days.... I still have not stopped trembling.  

nbcnews.com

I grew up in Japan.. the land of earthquakes and had lived thru many good size ones. I had NEVER been affected by them....until I became a mommy and I couldn't promise that the ground wouldn't start shaking again or that dshes wouldn't fall out of the cupboards.  Oh but it gets better!  5 days later my oldest sonshine started Kindergarten.  The closest bus stop was 6 miles away on winding mountain roads... you know the ones with a cliff on one side and rocks/mountain-side on the other. Talk about a traumatized mommy sending her little one so far away while the ground was still trembling. I can tell you right now, I can still show you the places where I would pray wouldn't slide across the road and keep me from my little man. I lived out worst case scenarios in my head daily as I rove him to the bus stop.  I lost 30 pounds that summer....(I wish for the weight loss but NEVER to lose it from stress and PTSD) I honestly have not slept well since. If a big truck drives by, my heart skips a beat as the sound is similar to an approaching earthquake.   Any small quake triggers my flashbacks and causes my anxiety to reach epic levels. Hearing about large earthquakes like the recent one in Nepal not only break my heart for those affected and the lives that will never be the same but it makes my heart race. Images of devastation fill my dreams and the dreams ALWAYS involve not being able to find my boys. Not fun, Not fun at all.

                                                                 

nypost.com

Oh! It gets better!  PTSD is evil because it causes fear and anxiety to rise not only in obvious earthquake related things.  I have a stupid irrational fear of flying now too .. Seriously? I grew up flying back and forth from Japan for the first 16  years of my life I loved being on a plane.... even thought about being a stewardess.  Now, I'm a hot mess in an airplane ...oh I hide it well but inside...not pretty!  I have turned down vacation destinations because of the flight time... that is not ok!

                                                                 

Basically it has caused me to be fearful of so many things.   Certain situations my hunka hunka burnin love has been involved in as a Sheriff deputy, has compounded the issue and sirens have me racing to the radio just to hear his voice.  Watching the news from the recent riots in Baltimore has allowed the fear to creep in and niggle at my brain. I don't want to be this way and I have been really praying for deliverance from this PTSD hell.  

Well.... as you know, I am a crazy hippie oil lover so I have been looking for a natural way to help me deal with my issues of anxiety and sleep. I have found ones that help me sleep better... not crazy great but good enough for now as I continue my search for the best essential oil for me for sleep.  But here's where it gets good.  I have been applying Release (a Young Living oil to help with anxiety , sleep and PTSD) daily for a couple weeks now and normally when I hear about earthquakes or this whole crazy Baltimore thing my anxiety goes thru the roof and I need to medicate. Guess what?  All I had was compassionate feelings for the people of Nepal and anger and frustration for the riots! No debilitating fear... what?!  When I stopped to think about it, it actually brought me to tears. Maybe I am capable of dealing with things like all you normal folk.  I've been praying for a solution.... I never thought it would be in a little brown bottle with a purple label. An oil.... made from sandalwood and geranium and blue tansy and lavender and ylang ylang.....  the life blood from those plants that God created is helping me like I never imagined.  I often wonder why it took so long for me to discover them. But I believe with all that I am that God's timing is perfect. I don't regret any of my years of dealing with PTSD... I have learned alot about myself and I am now way more compassionate to people who are suffering from it. 

I may have PTSD...... but now I can control it and it doesn't control me!

Wait for it....

Waiting…. wondering…. that is always the hardest part for me. I can deal with the situations (well, once I get over the actual news, good or bad) but the waiting…. so hard.  

I can only imagine Mary and the disciples on this their Sabbath day, still grief stricken from the ugly heartbreaking experience of watching Jesus die on the cross, trying to wrap their heads around all of it.  The conflict of their brains and their hearts. Standing there in unbelief the day before as Jesus actually took his last breath with the words “It is finished”. I know I would’ve been thinking “He is God’s son isn’t He, why is this happening? God wouldn’t let this happen would He? “  Oh my goodness my faith would’ve been rocked to the core.  This isn’t what it was supposed to look like...life was going to be so good...this Man is my Savior …(however, Mary had no idea what having a Savior was supposed to mean or even look like) Did she have an idea in the back of her mind about Jesus rising from the grave? I don’t know… we have always been taught or heard about Jesus dying on the cross for us and rising from the dead on the third day but she had never heard that …. it was happening before her eyes. Jesus mentioned it but did she even understand what He meant?  But regardless of her knowledge she had to wait….. wait to apply the burial spices and oils, which were super important not only to mask the death smell in the hot Palestinian weather but a personal and loving gesture of anointing  a loved one with very expensive oils….. (which I have to say I have access to even today….. will explain later … stay tuned)

As a woman, who loved someone so much, to be told they have to wait to attend to their loved one is crazy hard….Mary wanted the best for her Jesus and to tend to his body in a loving manner but due to the sabbath she was forced to wait. It had to be gut wrenchingly hard for her. Like if your child is going into surgery and you have to just sit and wait in the waiting room until it is over……..or a mammogram comes back as “suspicious” but you have to wait til the results come in…. even harder.…or your husband who knows the wilderness like the back of his hand is “lost” but you know he isn’t lost but that it was a medical incident or foul play…..or that a bad, bad man is in a shootout with police and you know your hubby is smack dab in the middle of the fire fight and knowing there are officers down..(those were two of my hardest days).  But it’s in the waiting that you can learn some of the deepest things about yourself, who you trust, who your friends are and how awesome Jesus and God really are.  It may seem like you’re in a deep hole and all alone with your panic and grief. Lean into the wait…. experience the emotions but don’t get caught up in it. Jesus knows and tells you that Joy comes in the morning whatever your circumstance. That Joy he spoke of is thru His perspective and in His timing and sometimes that Joy might be that you or your loved one wakes up in Heaven. Sheer Joy, right?  Listen to the still small voice of Jesus that whispers in the waiting room of life…….. just wait…….

ps… so the burial oils and perfumes…. Mary was going to anoint Jesus with Myrrh.. the burial oil of choice…. Did you know it is mentioned 3 times in the Bible regarding Jesus. The first time was when the wisemen brought Him Frankincense and Myrrh… (didn’t make the connection til right this minute...whoa.. they brought Him his burial oil…crazy awesome ) the second time was when He was on the cross they offered him a bit of wine mixed with myrrh to help with the pain but Jesus refused it. Then Nicodemus brought about 80pounds of it to use when they buried Him. It was very expensive but was very aromatic to cover the smell of decay.

Myrrh comes from a small bushy tree, cultivated in ancient times in the Arabian peninsula. Myrrh was used raw or crushed and made into an oil to make a perfume. It was also used medicinally to reduce swelling and stop pain.  

Spikenard was not a traditional burial oil. It was very costly and was the oil Mary used to anoint Jesus feet and wiped with her hair. It was reserved for special occasions and was a genuine and pure oil used in worship. Spikenard is a costly spice which comes from a very rare plant and is usually blended with olive oil for anointing acts of consecration, dedication, and worship.  Interesting that this is what Mary was bringing to anoint Jesus body with.

As I said before, it is crazy awesome that we have access to these oils today…I am going to get myself some……... want a bottle of it? ….I can hook you up!

(comment below if you want more info and we will chat about it )

Blackberry Devotions

Yesterday I was cutting back some blackberry bushes and was getting "all tore up" by the thorns.... even tho I had gloves on, my hands were a bit of a bloody mess. It got me thinking about the crown of thorns that was jammed on Jesus head. It was a bit of a paradox wasn't it?  They acknowledged Him as King ….mockingly but acknowledged nonetheless… then they jammed on a very painful rugged crown made of thorns on his head, so hard that he bled.   I needed to find out why and if it means anything… (some of you know I am the queen of interweb research) and guess what …. I learned something new…..  hold on to your hat this might blow you away!

Way back in Genesis, Eve ate the forbidden fruit and convinced Adam to indulge as well. As you know, God was not happy with their disobedience and cursed the land with thistle and thorns among other things.  I don’t remember that part, do you?  So the soldiers , unknowingly, made a crown made of the very curse God put upon the world thru Adam and Eve’s sin.  That just makes it even more poignant doesn’t it? (I know, big weird word) He was wearing the curse, a consequence of sin, on his head. He took it all upon himself…. being a King and yet adorned with our sin.  That makes me even more grateful.  Wait! …..  but there’s more….

So in digesting this, I am thinking about the whole day of Good Friday…. I don’t like calling it that but for mankind it ended up being good since we now have the hope of having our sins washed away.  Jesus had to walk thru town carrying/dragging His own cross while wearing this horrible crown of thorns to the place of crucifixion… with each step he took, he took on sin…. my sin, your sin, the sin of the whole world. That is a heavy, heavy load but guess what? He did it because he loves ME… He loves you too and he was thinking of you & me while walking on the way to his earthly death. But you know that light at the end of the tunnel we speak of occasionally?  His light at the end of this sinful earthly tunnel was the lights of Heaven! The lights of saving the world should they choose to accept it. My face was in the light at the end of the tunnel… he was selflessly bearing that cursed crown of thorns, carrying his cross and going thru torture and death for this wretched silly girl.  How amazing is that!  I certainly don’t deserve even one little thorn let alone torture and death. But he did it anyway……….  sigh…… thank you Jesus for taking my sin upon your head and saving me.

Thinning out my blackberry bushes will mean waaaaay more to me now and I won’t complain about the thorn pricks…. it will be me & Jesus time…. my blackberry devotions!

Bread and wine...so divine

Today...... many, many years ago a Man who Loves me very much poured wine and broke bread with his best friends and followers, knowing it would be his last supper with them. It makes me wonder what was going thru His mind.... was he scared as a human? proud to be God's son? determined to fulfill prophecy? I do know that He was bound and determined to change the world and to pay my ransom because He loves me so much, .Every time I have communion I can't help but be grateful for His amazing Grace that saved a silly wretch of a girl like me.... So tonight I will pour myself a glass of wine in honor of this pivotal day in history a long long time ago! Thank you Jesus..... I am eternally grateful....heart emoticon

Easter Eggs

Easter Eggs..... I love them and hate them.... I used to color eggs every year when my sonshine's were young. It was a great activity when they were really young. A fun activity for a mother hen and her sonny chicks (see what I did there?  eggs/hen/chicks... that's called being witty...hahaha ) But as those teenage years hit it wasn't an activity they enjoyed,  can I blame them, I mean they're  100% nitty gritty cowboys .....I think they liked the eggs and egg salad sandwiches after Easter day but not the actually coloring of eggs.  But I love the way they look so I colored them anyway. I tried all sorts of creative dips and dyes and papers. My favorite was the all natural dyes.. alot of work but natural and a fun experiment with those scallywags... I mean look at these colors....

My favorite was the red cabbage... it turned blue!! And the yellow onion ... you layered all the onion skins and wrapped the eggs then set them in the liquid...pretty cool end result!

Then I tried to get creative with the white crayon.... alas, mine did not look so fancy but I tried nonetheless!!

It's been quite a few years since I've dyed eggs. The fun just isn't there anymore to do it by myself and since my nest is empty there are no chicks left to enjoy them.  That makes me a little sad.  Maybe I will dye some this year just for old times sake!! .....maybe......

Here's the "take-away" from that.. Easter eggs are pretty and colorful and creative.   Some are fancy, others are natural, some are even glittery or embellished with jewels. I like the more natural and free-hand simplistic ones, what about you?  But here's the kicker.... they are all eggs inside. they all have a yolk and a white, encased in a protective shell. It's just like we are. God has created us "Eggs" with white, brown, green/blue or speckled shells, naturally, that's how he designed us. How we decorate or dye ourselves is what makes us look different.  might have a certain style that we gravitate to or choose to hang out with but in the end we are all plain ol eggs.... look how nice we look in a wire basket collected fresh from the hen house!  The decorations and dyes are what we put on ourselves... the things we dip into, write on and stick on us. Are we trying to become pretty or are we covering up the fact that we are just plain and simple and fresh eggs?

So this Easter look at your Easter eggs in a new light.... Jesus made us plain, nutritious eggs with huge possibilities... a clean slate.... How will you decorate or hide yourself?

Palm Sunday musings

I'm feeling a bit melancholy today.... I mentioned to my hubby that Easter season feels so different since we moved to Mayberry... He hasn't had a weekend off since we moved here almost 8 years ago. I decided to work Sundays too to make it more bearable. That means Easter has been and still is a work day.... It feels weird not to be sitting in Church and singing the songs (I probably don't even know the new songs since it has been so long since I have gone to church regularly) it makes me sad that I don't have any reason to buy a fancy Easter dress or prepare easter baskets. BUT it has made me reflect deeper on the why.... the why of Easter and not getting caught up in the pomp and circumstance and theatrical portrayals of Easter. It's just me and Jesus and my rawness.

So today....Palm Sunday starts my reflection... Jesus , because he is the Son of God and was an obedient son at that, knew what was about to transpire in the next week. He knew it was the beginning of the end of his earthly life.... Knowing that, He chose His vehicle of transportation. Now mind you he could've picked a very impressive entrance ...after all it was His last chance for recognition. The horse stands for war; that's what the people wanted. They wanted a leader who would set them free from the crazy gov't of Rome. Besides a big tall horse would be impressive. But, Jesus chose to ride a donkey, a symbol of meekness, cuteness but mostly of peace. He could've come in like Royalty with all of the normal ceremonial stuff. How different are the swishing of palm branches from the click of crossed swords or the deafening blast of a twenty-one gun salute. He chose peace, lowliness and very "it's not about me" attitude. How can you not love that?
He comes in as a king... the people wanted that, they accepted him as a King who would deliver them, but He was a king who enters Jerusalem on a cute donkey... I bet some of them were thinking.."Whaaaaat?!" He then gets off and goes for a walk to a hillside. From that perspective, overlooking the city He loves, he cries....weeps for the people. I also think that since he is truly man as well as God that perhaps being in tune to his human side, He cried for himself... I want to think that He truly was able to experience his human emotions and was scared and raw but knew his Father (my Father God) would work it out for Good..(I want to believe that because I want to know that He experienced some of the emotions I experience as a silly girl) He goes on to talk to the people who had just hailed him as their King but He refuses to give a campaign speech as any earthly leader would do. Instead, He tells it like it is, predicting domestic breakdown, economic catastrophe, wars, rumors of war, earthquake, famine, and all of the horrible desolation which you and I bring upon each other. We are still bringing it on ourselves. We are so dumb. That's the kind of King He is. He tells you and me what we need to hear, not just what we want to hear. He talks about more than positive thinking. He talks about more than picking yourself up by your own bootstraps. He tells you that you can't succeed ultimately in your own strength. He warns you to face up to it now and to come to Him while you can.

So today, Palm Sunday, as I sit in my old jammies not even realizing it is a Sunday, I am super thankful ..no, more than thankful......I'm grateful.. for Peace and truth and honesty and cute donkeys.

2015 roller coaster ride

 (Pinterest quote book)

Ok folks……I’m Baaaaack!   I took a few days/weeks to try and figure out a schedule that works for me… not easy for a butterfly or a silly girl who is easily distracted.  I’ve been doing some soul searching, some tweaking, some deep conversations with Jesus about how my 2015 is going to look like.  I wanted to clean out my closets, purge my pantry and get the house organized.  Well that didn’t exactly happen so that is still on my agenda. But it WILL happen … I’ll tell you all about it , I promise!!

You know it’s funny when you sit down and ask God for clarity, that He actually gives you what you ask for. I have been amazed at some of the things that have been brought to the forefront and made clear as to what path(s) I am to follow.  So follow I will.

I will let you see into my 2015 journey and will try to be as transparent as I can.. not for any ego boosting move or “hey,hey look at me, look at me” motivation. But because I know that if I am transparent then I have to be accountable and if I am accountable I will stick to something so much better. I’ve also asked Jesus to use me for His glory and the only way I know how to do that is to be seen and heard. This blog thing is the last thing I “wanted” to do but I am feeling deeply led to do it… there must be a reason for that, right?

I have to warn ya’ll tho, that I am a silly girl, a knucklehead and a sensitive soul …I cry easily. I am also a passionate soul and want you to learn everything I love and experience it with me…. thru me.  I will be goofy, funny, sad, deep, cranky, fearful, excited, cheesy and depressed.

Some things to look forward to that I will share with you…. Or pull you down my rabbit hole, so to speak…

*my walk with Jesus

*my love for hubby (aka hunka hunka burnin love) and my sonshines

*my weddings… I plan them and style them and I love them

*my hippie oils… yup…. I’m “one of those”

*my life in Mayberry

*my shenanigans

*my love for the thin blue line

If you feel so inclined…share my blog… I don’t know who Jesus wants me to touch thru my fingertips I just know He does… if you feel the urge, guess what? It might be Jesus saying . “somebody you share this with needs to “meet” barra…my silly child whom I love”

So hang on to your hats cuz it’s going to be a rollercoaster adventure…. (just ask my hubby) !

(Found on blogof.francescomugnai.com)

Toodles………. See you soon! ……………………barra