I turn into a hot mess...

I have PTSD.... there I said it. Finally after 23 years of dealing with it I have said it out loud. My close friends have known in confidence but I'm ready to face it and rise above it.  If you don't know much about PTSD let me enlighten you. Basically, when triggered,  it takes a perfectly normal silly girl and turns her into a hot mess.  Anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia and other physical/physiological reactions to an irrational fear. Not fun, Not fun at all.  

Here is my journey....... June 28 1992 at 4:57 a.m. my world came crashing down around me.... literally. Some 3 hours later it flattened me.   A HUGE earthquake...7.3....  hit at 4:57 a.m. in the town of Landers, CA. We were living out in the boondocks running a summer camp up in the mountains near Big Bear Lake. Luckily our campers and staff had yet to arrive but my family were all sleeping soundly in our beds... I had 2 little boys, an almost 5 year old & an 18 month old. Now, Landers wasn't that close to us but it shook us up pretty good and toppled things in the house. It was a little scary but I was fine.... started cleaning things up and watching the news.  At 8:05 a.m. another quake... 6.7... hit hard. We were all in the living room watching the news except for my littlest sonshine... he was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor playing.  As I ran back into the kitchen... as the rest went outside... I saw dishes falling out of the cupboards landing all around my little boy. I swooped him up and ran back thru a hallway to get outside, hardly able to because of the violent shaking. (Cal tech came up a few days later to place equipment on our camp because they deemed it the epicenter of the Big Bear Quake) The ground didn't stop trembling for 3 days.... I still have not stopped trembling.  

nbcnews.com

I grew up in Japan.. the land of earthquakes and had lived thru many good size ones. I had NEVER been affected by them....until I became a mommy and I couldn't promise that the ground wouldn't start shaking again or that dshes wouldn't fall out of the cupboards.  Oh but it gets better!  5 days later my oldest sonshine started Kindergarten.  The closest bus stop was 6 miles away on winding mountain roads... you know the ones with a cliff on one side and rocks/mountain-side on the other. Talk about a traumatized mommy sending her little one so far away while the ground was still trembling. I can tell you right now, I can still show you the places where I would pray wouldn't slide across the road and keep me from my little man. I lived out worst case scenarios in my head daily as I rove him to the bus stop.  I lost 30 pounds that summer....(I wish for the weight loss but NEVER to lose it from stress and PTSD) I honestly have not slept well since. If a big truck drives by, my heart skips a beat as the sound is similar to an approaching earthquake.   Any small quake triggers my flashbacks and causes my anxiety to reach epic levels. Hearing about large earthquakes like the recent one in Nepal not only break my heart for those affected and the lives that will never be the same but it makes my heart race. Images of devastation fill my dreams and the dreams ALWAYS involve not being able to find my boys. Not fun, Not fun at all.

                                                                 

nypost.com

Oh! It gets better!  PTSD is evil because it causes fear and anxiety to rise not only in obvious earthquake related things.  I have a stupid irrational fear of flying now too .. Seriously? I grew up flying back and forth from Japan for the first 16  years of my life I loved being on a plane.... even thought about being a stewardess.  Now, I'm a hot mess in an airplane ...oh I hide it well but inside...not pretty!  I have turned down vacation destinations because of the flight time... that is not ok!

                                                                 

Basically it has caused me to be fearful of so many things.   Certain situations my hunka hunka burnin love has been involved in as a Sheriff deputy, has compounded the issue and sirens have me racing to the radio just to hear his voice.  Watching the news from the recent riots in Baltimore has allowed the fear to creep in and niggle at my brain. I don't want to be this way and I have been really praying for deliverance from this PTSD hell.  

Well.... as you know, I am a crazy hippie oil lover so I have been looking for a natural way to help me deal with my issues of anxiety and sleep. I have found ones that help me sleep better... not crazy great but good enough for now as I continue my search for the best essential oil for me for sleep.  But here's where it gets good.  I have been applying Release (a Young Living oil to help with anxiety , sleep and PTSD) daily for a couple weeks now and normally when I hear about earthquakes or this whole crazy Baltimore thing my anxiety goes thru the roof and I need to medicate. Guess what?  All I had was compassionate feelings for the people of Nepal and anger and frustration for the riots! No debilitating fear... what?!  When I stopped to think about it, it actually brought me to tears. Maybe I am capable of dealing with things like all you normal folk.  I've been praying for a solution.... I never thought it would be in a little brown bottle with a purple label. An oil.... made from sandalwood and geranium and blue tansy and lavender and ylang ylang.....  the life blood from those plants that God created is helping me like I never imagined.  I often wonder why it took so long for me to discover them. But I believe with all that I am that God's timing is perfect. I don't regret any of my years of dealing with PTSD... I have learned alot about myself and I am now way more compassionate to people who are suffering from it. 

I may have PTSD...... but now I can control it and it doesn't control me!

Fear not...for I am with YOU!

On the 21st day of December my daughter gave to me..... (my gifts to Jesus)

My Fears........ crazy emotions welling up inside me, feelings of dread, being out of control, incapacitating, overwhelming, always in the back of my mind....

I know I touched on this 2 days ago but with certain circumstances coming up in the news, my fears are in overdrive.  I cried most of yesterday evening.... my heart gripped in incapacitating fear and overwhelmed with sympathy. The craziness of the society we now live in is unfathomable to me and yet I'm forced to live in the middle of it. It makes me angry. It overwhelms me. To be honest, it takes the air out of the room and it becomes hard for me to find the joy in anything. I can't let it do that .... I have to again, give it to Jesus. He knows my heart and how it so wants to live in Mayberry. He also know what I can deal with and grow from... knowing it will be rough for me but also knowing that I can handle it IF I ask Him to help me. So without further ado I will resume Christmas... I will let the fear die down into the depths of my being.... for it will never be squelched forever ....well maybe not until I do arrive in Heavenly Mayberry. People still need hope and joy and love and by golly I'm gonna try to spread that around instead of my fears allowing me to lock myself in my room. So.. here I go on wobbly legs..... smiling thru my fears!

(peaceful, beautiful barns that calm my soul found on Pinterest ranch)

December... the last month of the year

December..... already?  Well. since it is, I will be starting this journal type blog. December means gifts and presents and joy and laughter and singing!! So without further ado here goes! (I'm nervous tho, never done a blog from my heart before so bare with me) The singing boys of Pinterest will start me out on the right track!!

Also I will credit any photo I know who to credit. If I don't I will site where I found it!! 

Theme of the month is "what I am giving to Jesus"

On this first day of December my daughter gave to me.... 

Anxiety.... the kind that niggles at your brain, the dumb self talk that you aren't good enough to make it thru a project. The anxieties of not being good enough. I give them to Jesus because I know HE loves me for me and I am enough!